This is odd... You know the feeling if you were to get high.. well am not by the way.. could never do that again. Well I feel as if am. But its probably depression.

Everything is just sinking in.. Dead lines.. Exams.. Watch sisters .. I can't take being responsible anymore, instead of growning up I am getting less mature..

I am rather odd..

I laugh at anything, I try to find something to laugh about everything starts with " do you know what is funny".. I am boring and depressed its like I gave up.. I don't want to give up but depression is addicting like anything else.. I need an intervention even thought it will make me only want to hide. I need to get out in fight but am too afraid. I need someone to be normal but I hate that. I am really bad for myself but carrying to others.

Right now am shaking and cold am scared and parenoid. I am numb in most areas but exagerated in other places. I am not making sence.. Its like I am clicly drunk with out alcohal, if u can get intoxicated from burritos than am guilty. Guilty of eatin wot a crime I will punnish myself with our a trial. I am to prolific. My lips hurt. I want to sleep  but fear to. I want to be done but I can never finish. I want but never can. I am nothing but want to make something. I want to be responsible but have no responsibilties. I want to be miserable but I want to be happy.

I  AM BLANK.. I am broken.. I can't be fixed I want to be fixed.. I am empty but full I have no direction ....... I have no one to help me. I am alone.

I AM SELFISH..

I hate "I"

I hate my name

I don't like me

I know its wrong "but" can't help it..

 

 

oh well

 

I know you feel alone, but there are many people out there who feel the same as you do. I really hope you find your happiness. I'll be praying for you...

It's interesting how you describe the way you are feeling. I can relate to there being a lot of different feelings and thoughts and emotions all at once like that. But what would you say is the one dominant thought or feeling you're having now that rises above all the others...?

I understand completely. I know your pain, anxiety and cries. I wanted to get help 14 years ago but couldn't do it alone. There will be a time in your life when a third person will enter your world. That person will most likely guide and help you as best as they can. I have gone through 3 interventions, it wasn't until the 4th one, that I found someone who truly cares and is sympathetic to my needs and wants. There is nothing wrong with fear, it's natural. When you get so bad and down, what do you do? I cry and I can't stop. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 14 years ago and have two wonderful doctors who truly care. I am on prozac and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't change anything. It's hard, I really know this. I try so hard to give myself to something else; I took up a hobby with aromatherapy and, this may sound cheesy, but it works- I color. I would go out and purchase cheap coloring books and crayons and colored pencils and just have a blast with them.
I just want to let you know, from the bottom of my heart, that there is someone out there who does understand.

Lots of love to you, Sinann
PS. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Monday the 21st of June 2004 @ 1:13 PM

*poke poke* you alive? *worries*

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